Elitist

Dear Diary,

I hate this part about myself. It is not my fault; I cannot change it. Unfortunately, I am an elitist. I view everything as a competition, and I am always striving to do better. Teachers and parents always encourage a student/child to his/her best; however, I am always pushing myself to eclipse my best. I am not trying to be the best I can do; I am trying to be better than everyone else. I feel unsatisfied with a 95 on a test when someone in my class has a 97. I despise my SAT score since my best friend's score is significantly higher. It is hard for me to feel happy for a friend when he/she performs better than I do on a test.

People accuse me of being arrogant and selfish, and in some respects I agree. Though, I am trying very hard to repair that elitist nature. Some people will applaud my personality to strive to be the best, but I look it at disdain. This trait only promotes a feeling of depression. I torment myself for not being the best, and it hurts. 

I must say, I was not always this way. I was not always competitive with academia, and I know the source of this trait. In my Junior year of high school, my guidance counselor recommended me to join an online forum 'College Confidential'. She claimed this website is a great supplement to the SAT. She was indeed correct. My score increased dramatically. Though, the increase was accompanied by the contagious nature on the College Confidential Board: Elitism. The website is predominantly students from the top of their school with SAT Scores above 2300's. A 2200 is deemed a decent score, and if you have below a 2100 you would be a minority.

Most people on the forum are not arrogant:  the website attracts a very eclectic group of students. Most people will answer your questions; though, collectively it is hard to be apart of a forum that is dominated by top SAT scorers. I always feel embarrassed to post my SAT score on the boards since it does not match the majority. I should be proud of my score! It is a fantastic score! But it is so daunting to be apart of a community that is so different than you. 

My experience on College Confidential has galvanized an elitist persona in me. I definitely do better in school following my tenure on the website; however, is it worth it? Is it worth getting in a bad mood when one does better than you? 

I hate admitting this part about myself. I try so hard to be happy for others. so so so hard!

Well that is one piece of myself that I try to fix. I hate coming off as pretentious, and everyday I think about it. I am not a mean person. I SWEAR! I think this aspect of someone  is independent from how kind one can be.

Be well fellerrss =]